You Get What You Pay For

Should a four course meal really only cost $30. Where are we? Applebee's?
The worst thing that could ever happen to a person is accidentally making reservations during Restaurant Week. Imagine: you are slipping on your favorite dress, tying on your strappiests shoes, spritzing your sexiest perfume, and donning your newest hairstyle. Your date is looking good enough to eat. You arrive at your destination ready to experience deliciousness and ambiance. As you scan the room, you notice a few families. You quick scan again and see scatterings of forty-somethings in jeans and khakis. You start to think how atypical the crowd is and then it he hits you with it. Your server hands you a half page, freshly printed menu listing a watered down version of the regular menu.

I know people who live for this stuff. They make as many reservations at as many places as they can. Meanwhile, I'm stocking up on groceries. I'll even buy frozen meals. I must ask these zealots, "what is the point?" Would you go see a movie with no passion or action scenes? Would you go to a car wash that used water and no soap? If you can have standards at a car wash, why have you no standards when it comes to eating?

Let me assure you, you really aren't getting the full effect. You aren't even getting a good deal. Sure, $30 for 3 courses sounds like a bargain at a restaurant that normally charges $30 for the first course, but remember this: you get what you pay for. The restaurant business is volatile as it is. Owners are not naive enough to open their doors without money-making intentions. Even if the one-pagers resemble the standards, they are most likely not comparable in quality. Some will argue that Restaurant Week is a great way to experience meals at places they may not otherwise be able to afford. I am all about that, as long as you know what you are getting yourself into. Being delusional is almost as unappetizing as what is on the menu.

Luckily, if all else fails, at least your date is edible.

Holy Trinity

Have you ever played the "deserted island" game? Of course you have. As devastating as it sounds to be stranded somewhere with only one choice of person, food, drink, and scenery I think I could make the best of it. Give me wine with bread and cheese and suddenly the gutters of a damp city alley can seem like paradise. Think of all of the wonders that have emerged from bread and cheese and wine...


Pizza with Chianti: mozzarella and provolone melted on crunchy, crusty dough (even if it is without the red sauce) with a glass of heavy Chianti could occupy my taste buds for hours.

Grilled cheese and Riesling: Gruyere my favorite in the swiss category. I'd stuff it between two pieces of sourdough and let the heat work its magic. The sweetness of the Riesling will make this creamy swiss cheese and bread combo come to life on your tongue. I would chose a fruity varietal to bring out undertones of fruit in the Gruyere.

Fondue: Melt any cheese (traditionally gruyere and emmental) and add white wine to the pot. Even on an island with limited utensils I could make this one work. I'll just find some twigs on the island and poke them into my crusty bread. Let the dipping begin.

A simple bread and cheese plate: I could go crazy here but I will just list my favorites. Parmiggiano Reggiano with Brunello. Prima Donna with a California Chardonnay. Triple creme brie with White Burgandy. Any chewy, crusty Italian loaf will do. Baguettes are also great. Maybe I'd spread the triple creme brie on a toast point.

Cream cheese on a bagel with a Mimosa: Mimosas are made with sparkling wine or pricier Champagnes for all of you who are reading this and alleging to yourselves that I don't know what I'm talking about. If there are no fresh oranges on the island to squeeze then I can just drink the wine. Oh, poor me. A toasted sesame seed bagel with whipped Philadelphia cream cheese will pair nicely.


Fried mozzarella: I'm not talking about some frozen, grocery store-bought atrocity. I'm talking about cutting fresh mozzarella, dipping in flour, egg, and golden brown, seasoned breadcrumbs and frying it myself. I think any wine is fine with this. I would probably opt for a light red.

I might just strand myself for the hell of it if it meant being alone with my Holy Trinity. Things don't seem so bleak when surrounded by wine, cheese, and bread. Do they?

Chain Gang

Anyone who has traveled to New Jersey is familiar with its dumbfounding road layouts. Circles, jug handles and stretches of highway further than a tank of gas can take you. As you drive along these stretches your mind begins to wander. Once you regain consciousness you look around and think to yourself, "Am I driving in circles?" This treadmill-like highway phenomenon is one I like to refer to as "The Chain Gang."

No, you aren't driving in circles. But, yes, you are seeing almost the exact same scenario you drove by 25 minutes ago:

Taco Bell-Boston Market-WaWa-Applebee's-Outback.
Taco Bell attached to Long John Silver's-Boston Market-TGIFriday's-WaWa-Carrabba's (which is owned by the same company as Outback. Six of one, half a dozen chemically flavored bread sticks of another.)

One links to the other as you laboriously drag along the road. It feels like we have come so far but are getting nowhere. There have been loads of culinary movements and gastronomical developments but all I can taste is cold metal.

As the most densely populated (per square mile) state in the country, can we at least get a little variety out here? There are enough of us to sustain one's business. Perhaps restaurant developers, or should I say "concept" developers, think we are an uncivilized, barbaric, rustic cluster of the country that wouldn't appreciate good food. While that may be partly true, why must the rest of us suffer? Why should my only choices be "neighborhood bar adorned with knick-knacks," "steak house boasting mounted animals," or "italian trattoria in tuscany near the grape vines?"


I am a self-proclaimed foodie and dining expert and I can count on 5-10 fingers how many foodie-worthy restaurants are located in South Jersey. I'd need 5-10 dozen fingers to count how many times I have been to each of them. I need more options. Especially with my ADD and disdain for metallic flavors.

Assume the position

I can find fault with anything and anyone. I don't like many people (I am working on lack of social grace) and it usually shows, unbeknown to me. I have been accused of shooting looks while I thought I was smiling. I have been told that I am mean while I am making my best effort to be sweet. Trust me, I don't think I'm perfect. I just think everyone else should realize that they aren't either.


Hopefully, that sets you up for the type of personality I carry.


Now, can you understand why I despise overly-friendly waitstaff? Why I really don't care what their favorite dish of the evening is? Why they shouldn't feel that is it okay to slide into the booth and sit next to me as they take my order? Why it is appalling when they squat down beside me so their chin rests on the table where my food will eventually be placed?


These people need to realize they are in customer SERVICE. I have worked in the industry for over 5 years. I am not suggesting we act subservient. I have been there, too. It's a disgusting exchange of vernacular, glances, and overall demeanor. However, we both have to realize we are not friends. I didn't come to the restaurant to talk to you, in particular. I realize we must talk in order for me to get what I want. But, lets keep it professional. Some service industry workers might read this and feel betrayed, maybe even spiteful. Being technologically challenged has worked to my advantage this time. No picture=no spitting in my food.


It is rare that I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to eating and drinking. I always have a game plan. When I am stumped as to what I want or what something is, however, I have no problems asking for a recommendation. Like I said, I am perfectly aware of my imperfection. I don't know everything or even close to half of everything. I respect the service industry and the relationship they have with the products they serve. It is part of their job to know more about the food on the menu than their guests.

Everyone must keep in mind what we are gathered here to do. I am here to eat, cooks are here to cook, service staff is here to bring the cooked food to the table. If anyone is asked of anything more, we can take it from there. Until then let's all keep to our assigned positions at the table.

Pass the crack, please

Whenever my girlfriend and I have extra money, we go out for dinner. I am looking for great food and night out with my favorite person. But it seems every place I try has diners packed so tightly that I feel like I am on a date with everyone in my immediate area; aka personal space. I struggle to fight off my ADD. My girlfriend gets mad when I stop listening to her but when I am seated practically at the same table as anyone to my left or right I feel rude if I don't give them as much attention while they are talking. Of course I care about your new accounts at work, honey, but Peter over here is having trouble with his neighbor's pesky kids and their backyard hamster experiment. The smell is overwhelming.
I can relate.
With whom am I dining? How intimately do I want to know complete strangers? I can tell you that I draw the line at getting familiar with their intimate apparel. I could really go without a butt crack shot to the face as Petey squeezes through the "separation" of our tables on his way out. And I am absolutely NOT a fan of PDA. It is even worse when it happens within close proximity and I am eating. It is plausible that I will regurgitate my $50 dinner.
Restaurant owners should get rid of the illusion that we have our own space and opt for a communal dinner table. At least we will know beforehand that it will be an orgy-like dining experience. I don't know about you, but I don't like surprise orgies.

Why me?

Why will you listen to what I have to say? You don't know me and I probably won't have a picture up for a minute because I lack certain technological skills. Figuring out how to create this blog took me a little longer than it most likely should have. Nonetheless, here I am. And apparently so are you.
Be back soon with lots to say.